Almost two months ago to the day we found out that our little girl's heart had stopped beating. That will forever be the worst day of my life. Almost a month ago, I delivered my two sweet babies, Amiah and Elijah. That was the most bittersweet day of my life. I used to use that term a lot, but now I truly know the meaning and feeling of bittersweet. I experienced so much joy that day and so much sorrow.
I remember our nurse, Iniko, telling me that I was at a 10 and she would go get the doctor so I could deliver the twins. I instantly broke down crying, because I knew that meant I would be saying bye to our little girl. She wouldn't be with me anymore. I wasn't ready for that.
The few weeks following the twins' delivery, was such a haze. We were back and forth between the NICU to see Elijah. We were planning and preparing for Amiah's funeral service. And I was recovering from delivery. I don't think I allowed myself to feel anything in those weeks because I was so focused on getting Elijah to where he needed to be so he could come home.
So Elijah came home and we settled into our routine and adjusting to life with a newborn. As the days went on, we were finally able to be home as a family, enjoying our son. Then my grief for Amiah hit me like a ton of bricks. Infant loss is such a terrible thing that no mother deserves ever. Infant loss of a twin is a unique pain. As I get to know Elijah more and watching him and his personality it hurts my heart for Amiah. When Elijah does something knew or we discover he likes something over another, my head wonders to how Amiah would have been. Elijah loves to be close to mommy or daddy's chest. What would Amiah like? It's like the more Elijah grows, the more my heart hurts and longs for my daughter.
I don't think I will ever in this lifetime understand why God wouldn't let us keep Amiah. And I don't think I'll ever see a day where my heart doesn't ache for her.
