Closing up 2015.

By far 2015 has been the hardest year of my life, and I think I can speak for my husband too & say he would agree that it has been the hardest year for him as well. It was also a year of immense blessings. How can the hardest year of our lives also be one of the most blessing filled years of our lives too? I guess that is God's sense of humor or a way to balance out the evil in this world.

I graduated in May, and started my first "big girl" job in August. Teaching is so, so hard but oh so rewarding. Some days I come home and wonder if I am even making a difference or teaching my students anything. Then other days, it feels like you made a giant break through and then you're reminding why you teach. Getting my first teaching job at Caudill was such a blessing. I love the people I work with and I love those kids!

Dion went back to school and I am so proud of him. He has big goals in mind and I know he will achieve them all. On top of school, he works full time at Ashland Elementary and the kids seriously love him. We saw so many bumps in the road with trying to get Dion back into school, but God showed up, like He always does, and made a way.

In July, we started IVF. My sweet husband shot me up every single night with the injectables. We were so hopeful and so scared. Then October came. It quickly went from the happiest month of my life to the worst month of my life. We were pregnant, then we weren't. We loved that baby, and we will always love that baby.

God & I had some tough conversations. But I can honestly say, closing out 2015 that I have never been closer to God in my life. It's funny how He does that, takes the worst situation and makes something good come out of it. You never believe that when you're going through the tough stuff that something lovely and wonderful will come out of it, but it happens. Dion and I have been through so much this year, and he loves me so well through it all. It's odd how tragedy brings you and your spouse closer together. I would not choose this life with any other person. God has been the center of everything we are going through- at first it wasn't by choice. It was like, okay God you're the ONLY one who can help us so we may as well. Now I know I wouldn't want anything else at the center of my marriage.

God has big promises for Dion and I going into 2016. I trust God to see us through each and every promise He has made. If 2015 did anything for me- it made me strong. There is a lot I didn't think I would make it through, but I did. 2015 made my marriage strong. And most importantly 2015 brought me closer to my Savior. I can't say I'll miss ya, 2015, so bring it on 2016!

Here we go again.

In 11 days we are going in for FET #2 (frozen embryo transfer). We have 9 embryos on ice from my stimulation cycle, so the good news is that we just have to have them transferred back to me. No shots, and way less medication.

I am so scared, and so nervous. We have to fork out $3,900 for this one, and that does not count medication. My medication runs about $120 per week, and I take that for 1 week prior to the procedure, and then up until I am 8-10 weeks pregnant. So lots & lots of money. I am scared to spend all this money again, and for the same thing to happen again.

But we're going to do this. It's all we have ever dreamed of. It's different this time. This time I have so much uncertainty because of our previous miscarriage. Last time I was so hopeful God would let it work out, but it didn't. This time I have more trust that either way God's plan will prevail. Whether that be we welcome a baby the fall of next year, or we are back at square one. Really, I'm just praying He gives me the faith to trust Him.

Wishing.

Today I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. This is when most people announce their pregnancy. At this point, statistically, you have a very unlikely chance of losing the baby. But I'm not. We lost our sweet little first child around 6 and a half weeks. We had been trying for so long.

After thousands of dollars, lots of doctor appointments, countless trips to our doctor in Cincinnati, a billion prayers, and tears often- we were finally pregnant. The short weeks when I was pregnant were some of my very favorite weeks of my life. We dreamed of what he/she would look like, we made plans for our spare bedroom, we talked about names, and we even bought some baby items.

Then it all went south. It happened so fast. One day I was pregnant- then over a course of a week with complications, I was not. The most joy filled weeks of my life quickly took a turn to the most painful, heartbreaking weeks of my life. I was so mad. I was mad at my body. I was mad at God. I was mad at every woman who could conceive naturally and stay pregnant. I was envious of watching other women live in the shoes that I so desperately wanted to be in.

Before we got pregnant, God and I had this direct line going on. I was so desperately praying this procedure would get us pregnant. And I was praying that He would help me through it if it did not. What I never prayed for was helping me if we lost the baby. I was praying it would or that I would be okay if it didn't. I didn't expect it to happen, then for us to lose the baby. So I had nothing to fall back on. I felt betrayed by God. I felt like God had dangled my dreams right in front of my face- then instantly ripped it from my heart.

Luckily, God shows up. Even when we don't want Him to. I didn't want His help, I didn't want His comfort. I didn't want anything. But He did. He wrapped His arms around me, even when I fought my way out. He reminded me He is still good. He reminded me that there is a reason, even when I didn't want a reason.

I used to wonder why God put this burning desire in mine and Dion's hearts to be parents. I sometimes wish He would take it away, because it's not happening the way it does for most people. But I know He has a plan. A plan that includes the patter of little feet in our house, the sleepless nights, the worry. It may not happen when or how we'd like it. But I know it will. I cling to this verse and have been for 2 years now- 

In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord.  “If I cause you the pain, I will not stop you from giving birth to your new nation,” says your God.

I know God has a plan. I always say to Dion- our future kids most be some real changers for the Kingdom of God, or the devil wouldn't be trying so hard to keep it from happening. 

GOD IS GOOD!

I am officially PREGNANT! I had been testing since 5 days past our transfer, and got a faint positive 5 days past the transfer. I continued to test as the days went on, Dion started restricting the money I spend on pregnancy tests ;) The line kept getting darker and darker. Then yesterday I got my blood taken to confirm the pregnancy, and it was confirmed! My HCG number was 889, and they said they like to see anything over 100, so our number is great.

We are feeling SO blessed. It is starting to feel real, but I still feel like someone is going to pinch me and wake me up. Dion is officially excited as well, since we got the confirmation from the blood test! God is so faithful. God really does show up just when you think you are going to quit trying for what you've dreamed of. 

I am 5 weeks as of today, which is still very early. We are just praying our baby or babies continue to grow!! We have our first ultrasound on October 19th, where we will find out if both or one of our embryos stayed with me.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, love and support. This is really happening! 

PUPO!

I am officially PUPO! (pregnant until proven otherwise) Today our doctor transferred TWO strong, growing embryos back to me. Praying that our two sweet, little embryos get nice and cozy and hang out for the next 9 months!

We transferred 2 stage 5 embryos. Stage 5 or blast stage means they made it to the last stage they could without being in my body. So technically, with a day 5 transfer I could take a pregnancy test in 10 days and it would most likely be accurate. But I am going to try my hardest to not test at home and wait until my blood test on October 1st. 

We are going to Nashville with the whole family next weekend, and that would be around 10-11 days past the transfer. I don't want to test before then or while I'm there, because if this didn't work, I don't want to bring down the whole mood of the trip. 

I am praying our sweet embryos stick and that God gives me the patience to wait until the blood test to find out. It is in His hands, He knows the outcome, and I trust in Him. 

Our sweet little embryos :)

T MINUS 6 DAYS!

You guys, this could be the last Friday for 9 months that I am not pregnant. SO. FREAKING. CRAZY. On Thursday, we are transferring TWO embryos back to me. Half of me, half of Dion, all of our hearts get to start growing in me. All they have to do is simply stick! Something that sounds so simple, and so minimal, but something that is so significant in this process.

I am so hopeful. I am so expectant on God to bring us our miracle(s). Guys, it has been a LONG 2 years. A long two years of doctors telling us we should just adopt or wait until we are older to deal with all this. A long two years of trying every stupid, silly thing in the book to get pregnant. We are so close. This could be it.

BUT, I have to remember that if it doesn't work, HE is still good. We have 11 embryos frozen, and we will be transferring 2. Which means if this doesn't work, we have more tries without doing all the shots and all that not so fun stuff. It is so hard to find the happy medium of being hopeful but also remembering we still could do this again, we are still young.

I'm trusting my Father with this whole process. It has been a wild one. So many ups and so many downs. So many twists and turns we didn't see coming. I know that God has His hand over every single thing that we have gone through and that's why I know that if this works it is because God wants our baby(s) to come into the world. But if it does not, God has greater plans for a later time.

SO EXCITED. These 6 days are just going to drag by for me. Keep us and our little ones in your prayers!

WE'RE GETTING OUR EMBABIES BACK!

SO EXCITED. SO EXPECTANT. SO HOPEFUL.

I had my appointment today to make sure my body has calmed down from hyper stimulation. I went in with hope, but I also went in knowing we may have to wait ANOTHER month, and I anticipated the latter. But God rocked my world through the words my doctor said. "Everything is back to normal, let's schedule your FET." Shock. Awe. Tears. Excitement.

All the feelings I have been wanting to feel, and there I had them, right in that patient room. Dion could not come with me today, but as soon as the doctor and nurse left the room, I did a little praise dance, looked up to my Father and said so sincerely, "thank You."

September 17th. That is THE big day. The day we get 1 or 2 of our little embabies (embryos) transferred to me. Our little embryos that have already divided into 100 cells, and all they need to do is simply stick and then make a home for the next 9 months. Half of me, half of my dear husband, all of my heart. They just have to stick.

I feel it in my bones and in my soul that this is our time. I feel like God is going to make this happen. With a LOT of Jesus, help from doctors, 10 billion tears, 5 million break downs, we may just end up with our miracle(s).

In my selfishness, You show me grace.

Lately I have been so selfish and self absorbed in my wants and desires, that I have neglected to see what my God has done for us. He has done so much. He allowed my body to produce 36 mature eggs, He willed 28 of those eggs to be fertilized, and He formed and create 11 sweet embryos.

I have gotten so wrapped up in the fact that we have to do a FET due to OHSS that I have failed to see what is right in front of my face. My God working for me, my God working for US, my God moving mountains. It's so easy to lose sight of what God is doing, because we want what we want and we want it now, but if I just step back and reflect on what He is doing, I can see how He is moving.

I am so thankful and my heart is so full over our sweet 11 embabies. We have come so far in this journey, and we would not be this far without God. He moves mountains people, He REALLY DOES!

What a day! (Maybe TMI!)

I have been so crazy busy with school, I haven't had much time to blog about our journey. Today was a little crazy with talking to the nurse all day about what's going on. So this could be TMI, but I really want to document this journey for others and for myself in the future. My period came today (we will refer to it as day 1) and I was surprised. I thought the doctor said it wouldn't come for 2 weeks after my retrieval, but Dion says he heard him say it would be 7-10 days after my retrieval. Today was 6 days past my retrieval, so I called the doctor to double check.

The nurse returned my phone call saying that they were worried because it was "too soon" for my day 1 to be here. I reassured her this was definitely my day 1, based on cramps and all that fun stuff, because she was thinking it was unusual bleeding. She then also told me I may not be able to use this cycle for a transfer because of the early day 1. Cue me freaking out, getting angry and wanting to cry. Here I was, ONCE AGAIN being told something could be pushed back. Here's my whole issue on this, I know they can't control my body, I know things need to be PERFECT for our little embabies to stick, and I get that I really do. But why didn't the doctor mention this to me when he thought I may have OHSS? Why didn't he say, "you may not be able to do a FET the very next cycle because your ovaries could still be swollen?" Why am I constantly left in the dark, only to have my hopes shattered because of a new variable?

After speaking with some people who have had the same thing happen. A retrieval, with no transfer, they all said their day 1 came about 5-7 days after retrieval. So I called the nurse back again, wondering why they were freaking out and why they already are talking about not letting me use this cycle for a FET (frozen embryo transfer). Meanwhile in the mix, she wants me to come in for a scan, and wants me to this week. It is my first week of my first year of teaching, it is literally impossible for me to miss, nor do I want to miss. So she finally works something out where I can come in Saturday for a scan, which will still allow us time to make this cycle a FET cycle if my body is working.

So what are they looking for Saturday? To be honest, I DON'T EVEN KNOW. They are so vague. And I don't have time to research all this crap because I have a job. And their job is to tell me what the heck is happening. After all, we did spend $12,000. The nurse did mention that my ovaries have to be back to normal size on Saturday for the doctor to approve my FET. Here's another kicker, MY doctor whom I love, love, love is out of town this week. And the doctor that I don't care for at all is doing my scan Saturday. So that's fun.

The only good news that came out of today is that we had 11 embryos make it to freeze (day 5 or blast stage). I'm so happy and excited and relieved with that number, but I am so ready to do our transfer. I don't think I have swollen ovaries, nor do I think I had OHSS, because I never had pain nor did I ever have to take the heavy drugs they prescribed to me. So I'm praying my body is normal and that my non-favorite doctor approves my transfer or I may just be ringing up my actual doctor while he's on vacation. Not really, but maybe. I am borderline crazy today. HA.

God is Good.

On Wednesday I had my retrieval. They retrieved 45 EGGS. SO CRAZY. Then we got the call yesterday that of the 45 eggs, 36 were mature and 28 were fertilized. So we have 28 embryos at this moment growing!

So what's next? The 28 embryos are watched closely and whichever embryos make it to day 5 or the blast stage will be frozen. Typically that's about half of them, could be more, could be less. Then in September when we go to do our frozen embryo transfer they will de-thaw 2-4 for the transfer.

The great news? We probably will never, ever have to do the shots and retrieval part of IVF if we want more kids because we had such a great number.

I am so excited and just ready for September to be here for our transfer! I'm praying our little embabies just keep growing and growing. This is the closest Dion and I have ever been to becoming parents! With a whole lot of Jesus and a little bit of science our dreams are starting to become a reality!

Change of plans.

Well, yesterday we got some disappointing news. We will not have our transfer this cycle due to hyper-stimulation. I was really disappointed because it means another month of waiting and another cycle of doctor's visits and medicine. However, I don't have to do injections again, but I will be on some type of medication when we do the transfer next cycle.

Of course, my overly positive husband found a billion benefits to us doing our transfer in September. One positive is that I for sure won't be due until the summer, so that's nice. Also, I've heard from a lot of people that a FET (frozen embryo transfer) have higher success rates. If the don't put the embryos back in me (transfer) right after the retrieval it gives my body a chance to recuperate from all the medicines I've been taking. The reason they are putting off the transfer for this cycle, is because of OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) I could get really sick, and in terrible cases could die.

So, although it's another bump in the road, it does seem to be the better option. My retrieval is tomorrow and they will still fertilize the eggs as soon as they retrieve them. So I'm praying we get an awesome phone call saying our little embryos are growing!

Are we done yet?

Yesterday I had an appointment, and seriously thought it would be my last check-up before my retrieval and that I would have a retrieval Monday or Tuesday. HA. HA. HA. God just keeps laughing at me making plans over here. Since they lowered my dose of Gonal F on Thursday, my eggs are still growing just at a much slower rate. Which is frustrating, in my non-doctor impatient view, because had they just kept me on the same dosage I probably would have been ready.

I had to see a doctor that wasn't my normal doctor, because only one doctor in the practice works on Saturdays, and it wasn't mine. He did my ultrasound and so pleasantly said, "looks like your retrieval will be Wednesday or Thursday." Right when he said that I literally wanted to punch him in the face, and apparently my face showed that, because he said, "is something wrong with that?" Well, yes something is wrong with that. I thought my retrieval would be Monday or Tuesday, allowing me to do the retrieval and transfer without interfering with anything I had going on with school.

If my retrieval is Wednesday, I'll miss new teacher orientation. If my retrieval is Thursday, my transfer could be during the first week of school. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL. Infertility is hard, and so are the treatments and explaining that to an employer. Most people think my desire to seek out infertility treatments is a choice and not a necessity. Therefore, not too many people, believe those seeking infertility treatments should take off work to do so.

Last night, after I was so frazzled, Dion asked me what I wanted more. He said what would you be okay without? Without a baby or without a job? Obviously I want my job, and I don't think I'll lose it over this, but we've been trying FOREVER for this baby.

I know it is all in God's hands. I know he will place understanding in my administration's hearts. I know the retrieval and transfer have to be at the most perfect time for God's plan to work out. It's just so hard being out of control. Maybe that is what He is teaching me, my life is not my own, nor are my plans.

Keep Calm.

We had another appointment today. It went well, but scared me a little. My body is doing well, like REALLY well, as in wanting to be an over-achiever & producing lots and lots of eggs. This is a good thing, but can lead to a bad thing. If my body starts to produce too many eggs and those eggs are large it could lead to OHSS, which is basically the overstimulation of my ovaries. This condition leads to swollen and painful ovaries, which could cause the doctor to put off my "transfer" (putting the embryo(s) back inside me).

The doctor just mentioned it, I think so that I wouldn't be shocked if it actually happened and they had to postpone my transfer. He adjusted my injections & has me on a lower dose. I spoke with the nurse before we left and she said it doesn't appear that I have OHSS this moment, and lower my shot dosage will definitely help.

We also thought today would be our last ultrasound before the retrieval, but they want to see me again on Saturday just to be sure the lower dose is working. The doctor still believes my transfer will be Monday or Tuesday. So now we are just praying my body calms down and that we get to do a fresh transfer this cycle. I went out and bought some coconut water and protein granola bars, because apparently coconut water and protein help with avoiding OHSS.

We're moving along.

Today I had another ultrasound and some blood work done. Our doctor seemed extra happy and pleased with the way my body is responding to the medicine. My body is reacting the exact way we wanted it to for the procedures.

I am still taking the shots every night and Wednesday night I am adding in another shot to the mix. I have an appointment Thursday and if things continue to progress the way they have been my egg retrieval will be MONDAY!

Monday, Monday…it's so close! Once the eggs are retrieved the transfer is 2-5 days after that. So I could have little baby(s) Sanders snuggled inside! This is getting so real. I'm so excited and so nervous and so anxious.

Friday Night Fun.

Tonight I feel like we have officially "begun" our journey. I started the injectables & it was a lot less stressful and painful than I thought it would be! Today I think I watched the "how to" video for the shot maybe 15 times. I then made Dion watch it and he wasn't thrilled and didn't think he needed a lesson on it.

My mom told me she's been thinking about me all week because she remembers when I was little I would scream and hide from the doctor if I knew a shot was coming. She was worried I still hated shots. (so sweet) I mean no one loves shots, but if these shots bring us a little miracle, I can sacrifice.

So, what's next? I do injectables every night until Monday, when I go in for more monitoring and blood work to see if my body is reacting the way it should be. Then I'll take shots for probably another 7-10 days. THEN, hopefully, the first procedure happens- egg retrieval.

But for now, we're just praying the my body is reacting to these shots the way it should. My prayers are small these days, I'm trying to take it day by day. I mean, we all know what we want the big outcome to be, and which I still pray for. But today I am just praying the shot I took does exactly what it is supposed to be doing. :)

Shots, Shots, Shots.

Monday was my last birth control pill, and I have a break from meds until Friday when we start SHOTS. I am really excited because it means we are closer to the actual procedures, but I am so nervous we are going to mess something up.

The shots are pre-dosed, meaning they have up to a certain amount of the medicine in them, and I have to dial to the amount I need. The stressful part of this is that at some point the medicine won't have enough in for the dosage I need, so I will have to dial the remaining amount into a new shot. THIS. STRESSES. ME. OUT.

We are spending so much time, money, effort and desire on this whole process that I would hate to mess up one of the shots and it not work because of me. Dion says I shouldn't be worried because he is an expert at giving shots because he used to have to help his dad with his insulin. So we will see how Dr. Dion does. HA.

But anyway, we are both excited to get this show on the road. It's been a slow moving process until this week and once the shots start I know it will all go by quickly. Keep us in your prayers!

What's next?

Today we had our first baseline appointment to see what things are looking like and how the birth control is working. The doctor said everything is looking perfect & gave us a date to stop birth control. I will stop birth control July 20th. Then I get a break from all meds for 3 days, then I start stims, aka the shots, on July 24th. Then I will have another baseline on July 27th to see how the injectables are working.

They told us today that our 'expected' date of egg retrieval will be August 4th. I am praying it does fall on August 4th, because this is a day I have nothing going on with school. So if you could pray that our egg retrieval does fall on August 4th that would be great!

At our appointment today our nurse was explaining the shots again and what happens if the pre-dosed shot runs out mid injection. I just nodded my head and pretended I knew what she was saying, but secretly I had no idea what she meant. Thankfully Dion understood her, but he wasn't happy with me when I told him I pretended to know what she said. He was like you gotta ask more questions!

As time gets closer and closer to the retrieval and transfer, we just keep dreaming & being hopeful. I think we're the perfect balance of realistic and hopeful right now, I'm mainly pessimistic and Dion is super optimistic!

Each day that passes, is another day closer to our dream. :)

God probably just keeps laughing at me.

And I'm sure God just keeps laughing at me. When Dion & I went to our "education day" we were both under the impression that IVF/ICSI would last the month of July and we would be done. All of the procedures would be the last week of July and then I would just have to get my blood drawn to see if it worked in August.

HA. HA. HA. That is what God did. I finally thought I had a little control on this whole IVF thing, and I had it all planned out that it wouldn't interfere with my first year of teaching. It turns out my procedures (egg retrieval and transfer) won't be until the first week of August. Which is super stressful. I have to get my classroom set up, I have new teacher orientation, and I have to start teaching!

But I'm just going to trust that God has it under control. We can't give up now or even turn back now because we have already invested our time and money at this point. I'm just praying everyone can be understanding with our situation. It is so difficult. Infertility isn't like cancer, or a heart disease, or any other type of illness where people wouldn't think twice about you seeking treatment. People tend to view infertility treatments as "optional", which is sad. It is a disease, there is a medical problem, and yes we want our own kids, so we want to seek out every venue and avenue to try and make it work. But sadly, not everyone understands this.

Anywho, after my mild, maybe not mild, freak out, I think it'll be okay. I can only hope. I'm just praying every little date and time falls exactly where it has to for baby Sanders to be made. And I'm just going to stop making plans, it obviously never matters anyway. ;)

Meds are in!

Who would have ever thought I would be excited for this many INJECTABLES, a.k.a shots, to arrive?!

Today all my medications for IVF arrived and I am so excited! I even have my own hazardous waste container for used shots to go in. So scary, so terrifying, so exciting, so many feels!

I am definitely nervous though, there are so many things that have to be done perfectly, that I am nervous I am going to mess something up. It's definitely a lot of stress. But it is also very exciting.

Dion and I were at a wedding tonight, and while we sat at the table, we dreamed, oh we dreamed. We were talking about who we will tell, how we will tell them if we find out it worked. I told Dion that I will probably cry tears of joy for a solid 24 hours if it works, which he responded with, "it's going to be so awesome babe." My heart melted into a puddle. If it is one thing Dion doesn't do- it's dream. But tonight was good. Today was good. We can't wait to get this show on the road!

We're waiting on you baby Sanders, and praying hard for you, and love you more than you could imagine.

Here we go...

It's here. It is finally here. The month I have been waiting on for what feels like forever. It's the first day of our first cycle of IVF. There are SO many emotions- hope, excitement, fear, sadness, expectation, gratefulness. But I'm holding onto hope.

This isn't the life I dreamed of- the life I dreamed of was a little simpler, and definitely did not have so many tears. But this is my life, this is our life, and as much as I wanted to curl up and stay in bed for the rest of my life, I didn't, I won't. So with a  little bit of science, a whole LOT of prayer, and the support of our family and friends we are headed down a journey that will hopefully make us a family of 3 or more! ;) 

I am going to try and keep up my blog throughout the journey, not really for anyone else, but more for me, Dion, and our future baby(s).  

His will, my purpose.

Over the weekend I went to a local If:Gathering. If:Gathering is a women's Christian conference, were several AMAZING speakers/writers/bloggers/Jesus lovers speak. It is held in Austin, TX but there are If:LocalGatherings, where it is streamed into different locations, could be someone's house, could be a different church, etc. My sister in law invited about a month ago, and I said yes. Then Friday came and I was so tired that I thought about not going, but I am so glad I did.

2014 was a HARD year and I even think the word hard would be an understatement. I would say infertility and trying to do something about infertility consumed 2014 for me. And I started off 2015 that way. But God really spoke to me over the weekend.

Friday night Jen Hatmaker spoke about reasons it is hard to have faith, and keeping faith through suffering. I kept applying everything she said to infertility and my suffering in that, in what it has done to me as a person, what it has done to my marriage and they way it has made me a very jealous and angry person. I've been SO angry with God. I keep finding myself asking him why He's doing this to us. We're nice people, we both love kids, so why us? But Jen said something so profound, she said "Faith does not demand that God always explain Himself." I needed that.

On Saturday, I had a complete change of heart about the whole conference, Christine Caine spoke about purpose and faith. I spoke to some of the women at the conference about how I've always wanted my faith to be bigger, and wondered how people seemed to be so in sync with God. Christine spoke of how faith comes in reading God's Word. Now, I'll be the first to admit, I don't spend enough time in my Bible, I find myself bored or thinking about something else while I'm reading. Christine then went on to say that the more we seek after God, the more we serve Him, the more time we spend in His Word, the more clear our purpose becomes.

During worship I felt God directly telling me that my goal for 2015 needs to be to dive into His word, with intention and expectation, believing that He will open my eyes to His will and my purpose. For too long I've let myself excuse my relationship with God. I seriously have rationalized my relationship with Him because of infertility. I've said to myself, well I'll help grow the Kingdom when He finally lets me have a baby, or I'm too sad right now I can't help anyone.

I think God is finally telling me to seek after Him with a fire. My circumstances have held my faith done for far too long. My circumstances may change, but they also may not, so I don't want to live my life in self-pity, playing the victim because I was just too sad. I don't want to miss out on God's purpose for my life.

As Jen Hatmaker said, "We will all suffer, if you haven't, just live longer." Life is hard, life is ALWAYS going to be hard, but if I let the enemy have my days, I'm not going to get anywhere. I know God has so many promises that He wants to fulfill for myself & Dion, but until He does, I will seek after Him with a passion that I haven't had in SO long.



"If my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health."