15 things.

15 things I've learned from 2 years of marriage.

Dion & I will be celebrating our 2nd year of marriage next weekend, where is time going? We've been through our fair share of crappy times and a ton more awesome times! So I wanted to share 15 things I've learned, although there are a ton more, I've boiled it down to the ones I find most important, in my own opinion.

1. Don't waste your energy arguing over your husband who forgot to take the trash out, or your wife who forgot to do your laundry so you have no clean underwear for the day.

2. If you and your spouse are watching a series on Netflix, do NOT go ahead on episodes when the other is at work/school/etc.

3. Dealing with each other's families will always be something that you will have to work on. Remember, you didn't grow up in their family nor did they in yours.

4. Travel, travel, & travel as much as your bank account & schedules allow for. Something about traveling just brings you both together more.

5. Do not forget to do things you enjoy doing that your spouse may or may not. Take time for yourself!

6. Marriage is a tool God uses to bring others to Him and you closer to Him. Therefore, Satan wants your marriage. Don't let him have it.

7. No matter how big, how small the decision, it never hurts to check with your spouse first. Communication is key!

8. Celebrate victories- in life, in careers, in family, in school. There are too many bad things happening to not celebrate even the smallest of victories.

9. Make time for you & your spouse. Just because you're doing things together and with other people, doesn't mean you're getting the quality time you both need just you two.

10. You both don't have to be strong at the same time. Something I learned all too well this past year, Dion had to be strong for me quite often, and that's okay.

11. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise.

12. Welcome as many married couple friends you can into your life. You'll need others in the same season as you more than you know.

13. Choose each other every day.

14. Laugh & be silly. Something my husband is way too good at, which makes my life easier. Not everything has to be serious.

15. Never stop trying, serving, forgiving, loving, caring. Ever.

Stop using "that's who I am" or "that's just who they are" as an excuse.

Society has allowed people to more frequently excuse our own actions or others actions by just saying "that's who he/she is" or "that's just who I am, can't change it." This is a load of GARBAGE. We aren't just mean. We aren't just rude. We are just opinionated. We are just selfish. We CHOOSE to be these things. And when we allow and enable others to be they way they are, we are saying it's okay that you are rude, mean, opinionated, selfish, etc. It's not okay and it should never be okay.

I have seen many families, friendships and marriages fall to the "that's just who they are" excuse. And it makes me feel sad and angry towards the person who allows to "just be that way". We feel anger, we feel the need to be rude because we are hurt, we feel like we should be selfish, but it IS a CHOICE to act on those feelings. Feelings are natural, we were born with tons of emotions that can be changed based on circumstances. BUT we have the choice as to how we act on those feelings.

To the rude/mean person- I have generally found, with my own experience in being hurt and knowing of others hurting, that the root of almost all rudeness and meanness, lies hurt. My thoughts to you, are that I know you are hurting, and I know the mixture of jealousy, envy, hurt, lies, etc. can lead to rudeness/meanness but choose not to act on that. You are not just mean, I know that deep down there is a heart of gold covered up by all the pain, all the loss, and all the lies you've been told. But know that you can choose to be the nice, kind person God created you to be. Even despite all the hurt you've felt. Don't be the "oh he/she is just mean, that's just who they are" person. It is your choice!

To the outspoken/opinionated person- First off, let me tell you, we ALL have a comment about everything in everyone's lives, some people choose to keep those opinions inside. When opinions and advice come in love, there is nothing wrong with that. BUT I have generally found that unless something asks for advice, they usually do not want it. Opinions of how you would run someone else's life, problems or circumstances are their business. And unless your opinions and advice come from your heart of hearts, from that deep down loving place, those opinions become hurtful. AND I have also found that when most people say they want advice, what they really want is just to be listened to. So don't be "oh she/he just has an opinion about everyone and everything, that's just who they are." Again you have the power to not be that person. Sometimes opinions are best kept inside.

So many relationships are broken because we allow people to act they way they do, because we let ourselves believe that they are acting that way because that's just who they are and it cannot be changed. We have to do some inside work, to make sure we all aren't "just who we are". When we allow ourselves to just become our feelings and our choices we lose friendships, family members and important relationships. So just remember, you have every right to feel a certain way, but you have no right to become the way you feel, just because "you are that way".

Found my hope again.

I haven't blogged in a while, so I figured I would today- to start blogging about this journey Dion and I are embarking on. My mom told me it would be a great idea to keep a journal about all the crazy, sad, funny, hopeful, devastating, joyful moments of our journey to become a family of three (or more ;) ). I decided I am going to blog about it.

I know what some of you are thinking, "Why is she doing this? Some things need to be kept private." Here's my answer to that- I know way too many people who are struggling with infertility and I know just how dark and lonely keeping it hidden makes someone feel. Now obviously I am not going to go into details that I nor my husband want out there, but I do believe that writing helps. And I also believe hearing about other people going through the same thing as you are, makes you feel less alone.

I have found some hope lately. Dion and I were supposed to go to The Institute for Reproduction in December, we had an appointment and everything. I decided to cancel it. I don't know if it was that I thought they would take my last piece of hope that one day we would have kids, or that I just didn't feel like going to another doctor because at this time we had already gotten bad news from two doctors.

Then March and April came, my sister and sister in law welcomed in two beautiful new babies. I was and still am SO happy for them. But it was a difficult time for me, so instead of being super upset I decided we were finally going to go to the doctor. So we went to our first appointment, and I loved the doctor. He told us some great stuff, and already put a plan into action for what we are going to do.

I wanted to write this first post about the beginning of our journey, but I want to remember (if I ever feel hopeless over this situation which I am sure I will) this feeling of hope. The feeling that I am finally seeing God work for us, not that He hasn't been, I've just been too blind to my own life to see Him. This journey won't be easy, and I probably will lose hope on a regular basis, but it is a start. We are finally starting this journey, who knows where it will lead us, but I do know who I've got by my side.

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Romans 12:12

Back to Haiti I go.

I am SO excited and beyond happy that I will be returning to Haiti the end of June to spend a week with some of the most joy-filled people I know. In August of 2008, my dad dragged me, kicking and screaming, to Haiti. I had just graduated high school and all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, not go on a mission trip. I am so glad my parents made me go on that trip. I was 18 and thought the world revolved around me, and that trip forever changed my outlook on life and opened a huge space in my heart for the people of Haiti.

I have been with several different missions in Haiti. This time we are going with Haitian Christian Outreach, which is a mission that a friend of ours helps with. I am excited to go to a new mission, I love getting to see different parts of Haiti and meeting new people down there. I am also going with some great people, a few who have never been to Haiti and never been on a mission trip. Some of my favorite trips are going with people who have never gone. I love watching what God does within them and I love watching them fall in love with the people I am in love with.

If my husband would permit, I would be a full-time missionary. But I also realize mission work is not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that. I am just happy I get to go back every once in a while. I'd like to think I am helping the people of Haiti, but I think I sometimes get so much more from them then I could ever give to them.

Haiti will always have a huge place in my heart, and Haiti always leaves a huge hole in my heart every time I leave. I am thankful God gives me the opportunities to spend His love in Haiti. I cannot wait to get back!! 77 days!!

She believed she could, so she did.

So as many of you know, I began a journey to get healthy in January. January 13th was the day I gave up late night fast food, couch potato-ness. And pop. It was difficult, it IS difficult. But I had dug myself into this unhealthy, unhappy hole. I was not happy with myself, I was not happy with how I felt physically and emotionally. So I did it. I decided I was not going to feel that way anymore. With the grace of Jesus, and the motivation within, and with encouraging family and friends, my journey began and is still continuing.

I am different than most people. I don't eat when I'm sad, and I eat a TON when I am happy. When I met Dion, and we fell head over heels, I ate...and ate...and ate. I gained a lot of weight. One because I was happy and two because my freakishly non-human husband can eat like a 500 pound man, and gain nothing, notta, ZERO. Which sucks for me. Then last August came. We found out bad baby news. I got depressed, I only found the slightest bit of happiness by eating. Which isn't like me. In the past I would be sad, and not eat. But I ate myself into a coma, I ate garbage. I had less physical activity in my life than ever before. And this made me even MORE depressed.

Then January 13th came. I was tired of crying about not being able to have a baby right now. I was tired of forcing myself into my already large size clothes that wouldn't fit. So I did something. Slowly, I began to feel again. Feel happiness. Feel hope for babies in our future. Even though I know Dion has always and no matter what will always think I am beautiful and know I am, I begin to feel excited to lose weight for him. He deserves the best version of me. Not the eating-herself-into-a-coma, sad and crying version of me.

So here I am, almost 3 months later, and 26 pounds later. I am by no means finished, but I am by all means so much happier. I am NOT saying losing weight makes people happy. I am saying taking charge of your situation, and letting God come in and have your heart back, that is happiness. I am still a work in progress, and I am so excited about the future and how far I know I will go with Jesus, Dion, family and friends along my side. 

You can do weight loss friends. You can do healthy. It is NOT easy, but you CAN do it. I am a walking testimony of it. 

We're better together.

In my heart of hearts,
I no longer want to be
Better than you
Smarter than you
Thinner than you
Prettier than you
Faster than you
Stronger than you
More accomplished than you
More creative than you
A better mother than you
A better friend than you
Better educated than you
ANYTHING more than you.

I want to walk this path
Side by side
In awe of who you are
In awe of what your gifts are
To see you only in love and light
With your beauty shining through
Just as you are.
And I want you to see me the same way.
For I really do love you
Just as you are.
I only thought I had to be better
In order for you to love me.

I drop this cloak of outshining at the gate.
It has been such a heavy burden,
An unnecessary burden
A self imposed burden.
Will you still love me
Being just as I am.
In my heart of hearts,
I know you will.

I love this. Everything about this. It's not about comparison. It's not about being better than someone else. It's about helping each other be better. It's about respecting someone for who they are. It's about appreciating someone's accomplishments and sharing in their joy. It's about loving each other for who they are and loving yourself for who you are!

Why do I want to teach middle school?

I only have TWO more semesters until I graduate with my BS in Middle Grade Education. Every time someone asks me what grade I plan to teach I either get "you must be crazy" or "you're asking for a drinking problem". Literally every person I know thinks I am crazy for wanting to teach middle school. I have several reasons why I want to teach middle school, and yes one of them is that there are more jobs in middle school grade level. I don't think this is a bad thing, I mean we all want job security after spending thousands of dollars and driving ourselves into debt for that piece of paper that qualifies us for a job. At the same time, I also chose this grade level because middle schoolers just need extra LOVE and never-ending patience.

Why middle schoolers need EXTRA love and EXTRA patience:

They're weird. Plain and simple, middle schoolers are weird and they are fully aware of their weirdness and it makes them uncomfortable. Middle schoolers are going through so many changes within themselves, within their families and within their friendships. I mean just think about how awkward you were as a middle schooler.

They aim to please. Middle schoolers generally aim to please anyone. They want the reassurance that they are wanted and noticed. Some middle schoolers don't get this any where else than at school. So when I have a classroom, I hope my students feel noticed, and that they aren't just numbers or test scores.

They are at a crucial point in their lives. Most middle schoolers are decided which path of life they want to take, and the outcome of middle school could potentially pave the way of their behavior for the rest of their academic career. As a teacher, I will get to help students continue down a good path. And yes I know, easier said than done, but as a future teacher, if I get to change one life than it will be worth it.

Middle schoolers are mean to each other. When I was in middle school, I literally didn't know if I would go to school and have the same best friends. Middle schoolers are flippy-floppy, they change friends on a daily basis. As a teacher, I will get the opportunity to be a constant in their life, not many students have many constants at all in their lives.

Now I know, I am just a student in the teacher education program, but I would venture to say I do see a lot of middle school behavior and interaction with them. I also now being an educator is one of the HARDEST jobs anyone can do. You can't just pick up an education degree because you want your summers off, it ain't that easy friend. I know my views on teaching and middle schoolers will change and grow as I begin to teach. But for the most part I am extremely excited to begin teaching! I am blessed that after 4 majors and 3 schools, God finally opened my eyes to what He was calling me to do. ;)

My Messy Beautiful Life.

My life has been anything but normal these days. And sometimes I think maybe life isn't meant to be normal. I mean what is normal anyway? No one is normal. We all have our stuff. We all hide behind the idea that our lives are great but in all honestly they are one hot mess.

All of my life, I have been one of those people, or maybe all of us struggle with this, but it is down right  hard for me to maintain joy and happiness. I struggle with it daily. I know, I am blessed. I know there are worse things that could be happening, but I tend to take a microscope and place that over my problems. And I think we all tend to do that.

Lately everyone in this entire universe is pregnant. I mean I literally find out a new person is pregnant every 3 days. And I love this, I really do. I love this for the people that are starting a new journey in their lives, and how much joy this brings to them and their loved ones. But then I say to God, "Hello!!! Did you forget about me? Didn't you know that's all I ever wanted? Didn't you know my husband would be an amazing father? Can't you fix us?! I mean for crying out loud, You raised Lazarus from the dead!!" I take this problem in my life, and let it dictate my life. I throw a pity party, and lash out at my poor husband and then I sleep.

I know that we will have children one day, whether that be our own or we adopt. But it's not easy, and it really puts a damper on my life. This is my mess. This is my daily struggle, to deal with this problem. Some days I have an overwhelming peace about it, and some days I want to die, go to heaven, and ask God what the crap He was thinking! I'm not strong enough for this, my heart can't take this. But then I remember things could be worse. I could be sick, or my husband could be sick, or my family could be. But that's not the case, and then I feel bad for thinking my problem is just so huge!

My happiness is a struggle. Jesus and I deal with this everyday. He reminds me what He did for me, and I feel reassured. He reminds me that He wants the desire of my heart, and He reminds me they will happen when it is best for me and my husband. He gives me those moments of pure joy, comfort and peace, and reminds me I will make it through this. Even though I feel like sad moments are more prevalent than happy moments, He is there. He's there to listen to me flat out scream and cry. He will provide and He will see us through.

Happiness and joy, they are just play HARD. Jesus brings joy, and when we seek Him we find joy, but that doesn't mean all the hardships and sadness fade, it means HE makes those hardships and pain and sadness bearable. He isn't going anywhere, no matter how many times I lash out at Him or question His ability. God is there, always has been, and He always will be. 

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Comparison: More harmful than we think.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." I have heard this statement so many times, but it never rang true until more recent years for me. When I was younger, I think I was insecure, but I was insecure and did not compare. As I have gotten older I have realized how much comparison can rule my own life. 

With all the social media outlets we have now, comparison is a hard thing not to do. It is easy to see all the amazing, great things going on in other peoples lives, while we sit back and think our own lives suck. Don't compare your behind the scenes moments to someone else's highlight reels. 

When we base our lives off of someone else's great moments, we forget that those people too have a behind the scenes life. I am not saying to blind there good moments knowing they have bad, I am saying that people have reached their good moments, by going through bad. I am a walking testament of bad relationship because of comparison. I walked through a couple years of my life assuming certain people had everything right and their lives were perfect, but this was not the case. ALL people have their battles, all people have their grief and sadness. When we learn to realize we are all a big hot mess who need a Savior, we become better.

I tend to compare myself to people who have a life I was I had. This thinking is bad for myself, my relationships and my relationship with God. When I begin to think someone else has a better life, I begin to think God loves them more or has favor for them. This is AWFUL thinking. God does not love anyone more, God loves, bottom line. When I begin to compare His blessings, I lose faith in His goodness and that is something I cannot afford to lose.

In my fight with my comparison to others, I have realized that just because people get what I want at the time I want it, does not mean God loves me less or He doesn't care about my desires, it means His timing is SOO much better than mine. 

And so I rest in this peace that God is teaching me: He will give me what I want and what I need in His timing which is best for me, far more than I know or understand.

"All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave them in Your hands."