Angel on Earth, Angel in Heaven.

One year. How has this year passed? It passed slow and fast all at the same time. The painful moments lasted forever, the joy-filled moments came and went TOO quick.

Almost one year ago, I labored & delivered our twins. Into this world, I delivered one sleeping babe and one crying babe. Elijah was born first. To hear his screams, that was straight music to my ears. When I heard him cry and scream, I praised God. Those cries were the soundtrack of my heart. Then Amiah was born. I knew she wouldn't scream. I was told I should just let her be buried. I was told I probably would not want to see her, as her heart had stopped beating 4 weeks prior. I was told she maybe would not look like a typical baby. But, do you know what I saw when I held her? I saw beauty. The beauty I saw was unheard of, I do not think I will ever see that type of beauty in my lifetime again. Amiah Mae, you were breathtaking.

This year has been hard. Child loss strains every single relationship you have. My marriage was strained, my relationship with my son was strained, my family and friendship relationships were strained. Because that is what loss does. Satan is the owner of loss. He wants to strip it all away. He wants you to succumb to loss. But lets not let him.

The dark will not have my marriage. Even before children, or the discussion of children, Dion was the prayer I prayed for. So no, Satan, you cannot have this. My marriage was destined by God before it all. I wish that God would have told me about you when I was just a kid. I remember praying for my future husband, and now that you are my husband, it just all makes sense. I wish I would have met you sooner.

The loss of my daughter will not steal my joy. Amiah, I love to speak your name. I love to tell others about you. That curly hair you had, those long fingers, those beautiful feet, and those kissable lips. You are my daughter, you are your daddy's girl, and you are Elijah's sister, and you HAVE CHANGED THIS WORLD.

There will never be a day that passes that I don't think of you. And to some, I may sound like a broken record, one that cannot move on, but I can't. You were supposed to be here. We were supposed to watch you and Elijah grow up together. But, God had different plans. And maybe we won't understand those plans until we get to the other side.

All that I do know, is that I cannot wait to hold you again, sweet princess.

To The Mama of a Stillborn Baby

Dear Mama who didn't get to take her baby home from the hospital, 

Every morning when you get up, I know the first thing that crosses your mind is the baby you didn't bring home from the hospital with you. I know you wonder quite often if there was something you could have done to keep your baby alive. I know the guilt you feel towards your body for failing to sustain your baby's life. 

I know the heartbreak, confusion & hurt it has caused in your marriage. I know you get angry with your husband because he isn't grieving the same way as you. I know you sometimes think your husband has forgotten about the baby you both lost. 

I know the bittersweet feeling of watching your other children grow. I know you guiltily look at them wondering why they were able to make it to this world but your other baby did not. I know that your other children will never fill the void in your heart for the baby that never came home. 

I know how hard it is to get up every day and go to work, when you'd much rather stay in bed. I know that most people have moved on and rarely ask you about your lost baby, but your pain is still just as fresh as they day you found out your baby was no longer living. 

I know the sheer joy it brings to you when someone says your baby's name. I know the way your face lights up when you describe your baby's cute little toes and they way they looked like their daddy.  

I also know that you are so justified in every single feeling you feel. And here is what I have learned:

You couldn't have done a thing. Passing up that caffeine beverage, exercising more, or drinking a gallon of water a day would not have changed what happened. You cannot blame yourself for your stillborn baby, it simply was not your fault.

Your husband cares. My gosh, he cares. But men are wired so, so different than us. I have learned this the hard way many times. Know that your husband misses your baby just as much as you do, he will always show it in different ways. And that's okay. Don't let the difference in grieving come between you. That's the last thing you need.

Your other children won't, can't and will never replace your lost baby. I know the pain of statements people make, such as, "well at least you have another child." Nope, NO! I know I have my other child, but he does not take the place of my daughter. Nor is it his job to.

Moving on is so hard. You feel stuck, like the world around you started moving again, but you didn't. And I can't tell you how long this will last because I'm still here. Some days I move, I grow, and I can sit back and say, "today was a good day." Some days, I can't muster a smile for someone who complains about multiple children being so hard, because I just wish my other child was here so I could complain about it being hard. (And that's another subject- try not to become jaded. Clearly I am still working on that one.)

TALK, SCREAM, and SING about your lost baby to whomever will listen. This is therapy. It is music to my ears when someone wants to know what my stillborn daughter looked like, if she had hair, if she looked like her mama or her daddy. And tell your other children about their lost sibling. My son is 7 months old and I talk to him about his twin all the time. She will forever be apart of our family. 

So, to you- mama of a stillborn baby. I see you. I get it. 

Amiah's twin brother- Elijah Lee, with her hand molds

My sweet stillborn daughter- Amiah Mae

Both photos: Sara Corman Photography

Give me your ideas!

I have been thinking over the past couple weeks that I want to do something this summer for Amiah. I want to have a remembrance day, or an "Amiah's Day", to celebrate her and remember her. I want to donate the money raised on her day to two different organizations that saw us through the hardest time in our life.

The first one being the bereavement center at Central Baptist. That hospital, their staff, and the bereavement center director, Debbie, were so good and so amazing to us.

The second one being Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We have some incredible photos of Amiah that we will cherish forever that we did not have to pay for at all. NILMDTS offers photography services to those who have lost babies at no cost. Sara Corman did Amiah's photos and I will cherish those forever.

So what can we do on Amiah's day? What is an event that people would come to and have fun at to raise money? I want it to be a day of celebration, not sadness. I want to remember Amiah and honor her in a positive way. Because our little girl left a huge footprint on so many people's hearts.