Dear Mama who didn't get to take her baby home from the hospital,
Every morning when you get up, I know the first thing that crosses your mind is the baby you didn't bring home from the hospital with you. I know you wonder quite often if there was something you could have done to keep your baby alive. I know the guilt you feel towards your body for failing to sustain your baby's life.
I know the heartbreak, confusion & hurt it has caused in your marriage. I know you get angry with your husband because he isn't grieving the same way as you. I know you sometimes think your husband has forgotten about the baby you both lost.
I know the bittersweet feeling of watching your other children grow. I know you guiltily look at them wondering why they were able to make it to this world but your other baby did not. I know that your other children will never fill the void in your heart for the baby that never came home.
I know how hard it is to get up every day and go to work, when you'd much rather stay in bed. I know that most people have moved on and rarely ask you about your lost baby, but your pain is still just as fresh as they day you found out your baby was no longer living.
I know the sheer joy it brings to you when someone says your baby's name. I know the way your face lights up when you describe your baby's cute little toes and they way they looked like their daddy.
I also know that you are so justified in every single feeling you feel. And here is what I have learned:
You couldn't have done a thing. Passing up that caffeine beverage, exercising more, or drinking a gallon of water a day would not have changed what happened. You cannot blame yourself for your stillborn baby, it simply was not your fault.
Your husband cares. My gosh, he cares. But men are wired so, so different than us. I have learned this the hard way many times. Know that your husband misses your baby just as much as you do, he will always show it in different ways. And that's okay. Don't let the difference in grieving come between you. That's the last thing you need.
Your other children won't, can't and will never replace your lost baby. I know the pain of statements people make, such as, "well at least you have another child." Nope, NO! I know I have my other child, but he does not take the place of my daughter. Nor is it his job to.
Moving on is so hard. You feel stuck, like the world around you started moving again, but you didn't. And I can't tell you how long this will last because I'm still here. Some days I move, I grow, and I can sit back and say, "today was a good day." Some days, I can't muster a smile for someone who complains about multiple children being so hard, because I just wish my other child was here so I could complain about it being hard. (And that's another subject- try not to become jaded. Clearly I am still working on that one.)
TALK, SCREAM, and SING about your lost baby to whomever will listen. This is therapy. It is music to my ears when someone wants to know what my stillborn daughter looked like, if she had hair, if she looked like her mama or her daddy. And tell your other children about their lost sibling. My son is 7 months old and I talk to him about his twin all the time. She will forever be apart of our family.
So, to you- mama of a stillborn baby. I see you. I get it.
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| Amiah's twin brother- Elijah Lee, with her hand molds |
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| My sweet stillborn daughter- Amiah Mae Both photos: Sara Corman Photography |
