God's changing my plans.

I've gone back and forth on whether or not to blog about this. I've prayed about it, I spoke with Dion about it. And I've come to the conclusion, that I don't have to hind behind it anymore. And maybe, just maybe, my story can help someone. So bare with me, it's a sensitive area of my life and my husband's.

When you get married, you start your life with your spouse, get your own place, and then start filling that place with little babies. And honestly, I have never wanted anything more than to have my own children. I have been maternal ever since my Mom bought me my first baby doll. I treat every child as if they were my own, and sometimes I truly think my nieces and nephews are my own a little too much. ;) So Dion and I decided we wanted to start to build our family.

If you know me, you know I'm a planner and a control freak. If I'm not in control, I just feel helpless. So, naturally, I wanted my babies to come when it fit in my schedule. I wanted to be pregnant by a certain time, so I would have a baby in the summer. Leaving me with one more year of school, because I wanted to have a newborn in my last year of school, rather than my first year of teaching. And I think this is where God began to laugh at me trying to plan every single ounce of my life.

So we tried and we tried, and no baby. We went to the doctor and had an atomic bomb dropped on our lives. I won't go into the details of why or who or what, but let's just say it will never be easy, natural or free for Dion and I to make a baby. This is something you are never prepared for, this isn't something they talk about in pre-martial counseling, and there is nothing that any one can say to you to make you feel better about it.

I'd say I've had a pretty great life. I've never had anyone close to me pass away, no sickness has ever fallen upon anyone in my family, so this was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life and in my marriage.

I feel like I wanted to write this, because writing helps you get through things, and maybe I'll stop hearing the question "when are you guys going to have kids?" Trust me, if it were that easy, we would already have one! And I want people to realize how common issues with trying to get pregnant are. The more I've talked with people the more common it is, so if you are going through it, you are NOT alone.

I've also gone back and forth as to why this is happening to us. Most people doubt God's existence at all when terrible things happen, but that has not been the case with me. I've screamed at Him, cried to Him, and I still don't know why this is happening. Initially, I thought I was being punished, but then I thought why doesn't God care enough about us to fix this? I mean we all know He can. I've never doubted His existence, just His goodness. This is still something I'll struggle with day in and day out. I think part of God giving us this trial, is that it has brought us closer to Him. I pray more now than I probably ever have in my life. I am more thankful for every ounce of good in my life than I ever have been. I am thankful for days when I don't think about the struggle. And I am thankful for days that God is there when I can't get out of bed because it is all that I think about. I am thankful for my husband, even though this has been the hardest thing we've gone through he can still always make me laugh about it. So I know one day, we will have kids. But we will have kids the way God wants us to and when God wants us to. I'm not saying I'm so completely okay with that, and not struggling with it anymore, but I'm just saying I am not in control anymore. I'm going to have awful, horrible days when all I see are pregnant women and babies everywhere and I just want to stay in bed. But I am also going to have days when I am so thankful for tiny little things that Dion and my family do that get me through this.