My Messy Beautiful Life.

My life has been anything but normal these days. And sometimes I think maybe life isn't meant to be normal. I mean what is normal anyway? No one is normal. We all have our stuff. We all hide behind the idea that our lives are great but in all honestly they are one hot mess.

All of my life, I have been one of those people, or maybe all of us struggle with this, but it is down right  hard for me to maintain joy and happiness. I struggle with it daily. I know, I am blessed. I know there are worse things that could be happening, but I tend to take a microscope and place that over my problems. And I think we all tend to do that.

Lately everyone in this entire universe is pregnant. I mean I literally find out a new person is pregnant every 3 days. And I love this, I really do. I love this for the people that are starting a new journey in their lives, and how much joy this brings to them and their loved ones. But then I say to God, "Hello!!! Did you forget about me? Didn't you know that's all I ever wanted? Didn't you know my husband would be an amazing father? Can't you fix us?! I mean for crying out loud, You raised Lazarus from the dead!!" I take this problem in my life, and let it dictate my life. I throw a pity party, and lash out at my poor husband and then I sleep.

I know that we will have children one day, whether that be our own or we adopt. But it's not easy, and it really puts a damper on my life. This is my mess. This is my daily struggle, to deal with this problem. Some days I have an overwhelming peace about it, and some days I want to die, go to heaven, and ask God what the crap He was thinking! I'm not strong enough for this, my heart can't take this. But then I remember things could be worse. I could be sick, or my husband could be sick, or my family could be. But that's not the case, and then I feel bad for thinking my problem is just so huge!

My happiness is a struggle. Jesus and I deal with this everyday. He reminds me what He did for me, and I feel reassured. He reminds me that He wants the desire of my heart, and He reminds me they will happen when it is best for me and my husband. He gives me those moments of pure joy, comfort and peace, and reminds me I will make it through this. Even though I feel like sad moments are more prevalent than happy moments, He is there. He's there to listen to me flat out scream and cry. He will provide and He will see us through.

Happiness and joy, they are just play HARD. Jesus brings joy, and when we seek Him we find joy, but that doesn't mean all the hardships and sadness fade, it means HE makes those hardships and pain and sadness bearable. He isn't going anywhere, no matter how many times I lash out at Him or question His ability. God is there, always has been, and He always will be. 

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