His will, my purpose.

Over the weekend I went to a local If:Gathering. If:Gathering is a women's Christian conference, were several AMAZING speakers/writers/bloggers/Jesus lovers speak. It is held in Austin, TX but there are If:LocalGatherings, where it is streamed into different locations, could be someone's house, could be a different church, etc. My sister in law invited about a month ago, and I said yes. Then Friday came and I was so tired that I thought about not going, but I am so glad I did.

2014 was a HARD year and I even think the word hard would be an understatement. I would say infertility and trying to do something about infertility consumed 2014 for me. And I started off 2015 that way. But God really spoke to me over the weekend.

Friday night Jen Hatmaker spoke about reasons it is hard to have faith, and keeping faith through suffering. I kept applying everything she said to infertility and my suffering in that, in what it has done to me as a person, what it has done to my marriage and they way it has made me a very jealous and angry person. I've been SO angry with God. I keep finding myself asking him why He's doing this to us. We're nice people, we both love kids, so why us? But Jen said something so profound, she said "Faith does not demand that God always explain Himself." I needed that.

On Saturday, I had a complete change of heart about the whole conference, Christine Caine spoke about purpose and faith. I spoke to some of the women at the conference about how I've always wanted my faith to be bigger, and wondered how people seemed to be so in sync with God. Christine spoke of how faith comes in reading God's Word. Now, I'll be the first to admit, I don't spend enough time in my Bible, I find myself bored or thinking about something else while I'm reading. Christine then went on to say that the more we seek after God, the more we serve Him, the more time we spend in His Word, the more clear our purpose becomes.

During worship I felt God directly telling me that my goal for 2015 needs to be to dive into His word, with intention and expectation, believing that He will open my eyes to His will and my purpose. For too long I've let myself excuse my relationship with God. I seriously have rationalized my relationship with Him because of infertility. I've said to myself, well I'll help grow the Kingdom when He finally lets me have a baby, or I'm too sad right now I can't help anyone.

I think God is finally telling me to seek after Him with a fire. My circumstances have held my faith done for far too long. My circumstances may change, but they also may not, so I don't want to live my life in self-pity, playing the victim because I was just too sad. I don't want to miss out on God's purpose for my life.

As Jen Hatmaker said, "We will all suffer, if you haven't, just live longer." Life is hard, life is ALWAYS going to be hard, but if I let the enemy have my days, I'm not going to get anywhere. I know God has so many promises that He wants to fulfill for myself & Dion, but until He does, I will seek after Him with a passion that I haven't had in SO long.



"If my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health."