Dealing With It.

It has almost been 5 months since I was told my daughter's heart stopped beating. Almost a half of a year since she left me. To be honest, I haven't really dealt with it yet.

I start to deal with it and grieve her, but then I fall into the motherly duties of her brother and the responsibilities of life. But grief reminds me, again and again that I can't go on without doing this. Grief is often like that. Grief is always hiding in the shadows, waiting for me to pick it back up again. Grief is waiting for me to deal with it. Then each time I have to restart the whole process my soul needs to go through.

I only allow myself to get so far. I think I am afraid to go there. I am afraid if I go there I won't be the mother Elijah needs me to be. Or I won't be the wife Dion needs me to be. Or I physically will not be able to get myself to work. If I go there, can I even come back from that?

So here I am, I live in this world where I know Amiah is gone, but I have not allowed myself to let her go and grieve her. I live in this world where I keep myself so busy with her brother that I don't allow myself to feel the deep pain that I know my soul feels. I live in this world where I have to keep it together, because "this stuff just happens" and life still goes on.

I am afraid to let go of her completely because I do not see myself coming back from that. I don't know that I want to know that version of myself.

People typically ask me if I am angry, if I am angry at God or at our circumstances. To tell you the truth, I am not angry at all. I am just consumed by a deep sadness that I can't explain, that I never want anyone else to have to experience. Elijah brings me a deep, deep joy that I can't express, but the loss of Amiah brings me a deep, deep sadness that I cannot express. I feel trapped between two worlds. A world of joy and laughter and smiles with my son and a world of sadness and grief and sorrow with my daughter.

I imagine this is how God felt when Jesus died on the cross. His One and Only son was dying on the cross, but His people, His sons and daughters, would be reunited with Him.

Faith and loss are hard. Am I mad at God? Do I question Him? Absolutely. But do I understand we live in a fallen world and life just sucks mostly until we get to Heaven? Absolutely. 

I know the emptiness and loss I feel for our daughter will never go away. I know the joy I feel for Elijah cannot take away the emptiness. I just pray that I will allow myself to deal with this loss, doing it in baby steps if I have to.

“When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don't try to take it away. Forgive yourself for not having that power. Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They're sacred. they are part of each person's journey. All we can do is offer relief from this fear: I am all alone. That's the one fear you can alleviate.” GDM